Just Hanging Out

I've been remiss on updating my progress in "get healthy" land. I've actually been doing really well!. I do two miles a day on my Gazelle, split into two sessions, and I do my ab exercises (takes 5 minutes) even though I hate them.

I haven't checked my weight because I don't care to know what it is. I'll find out at my next Dr's appt. anyway. I HAVE noticed a marked difference in my clothing, and that means more than any scale. I feel good, so that is also a more important marker than any scale readout.

I feel fierce!

While my sugars still aren't where I want them to be, they are more even across the board, and that is better than up/down up/down up/down. Yo-yo'ing is a no no in diabetes town.

The real test will be my next A1C. We'll see!

I'll write a real blog entry later today. For now, since I do this for me and not for anyone else, I felt good enough with myself and needed to write it down! Yay ME!!!

ReAffirmation

Liz and I went to The Cup last night to see a band called For Christ, and I was blown away. This band came up from Atlanta to sing and minister to us, even though their base player couldn't make it. His wife had just (that weekend) had a miscarriage, after trying for so many years, to have a child. Even though he couldn't make it, he sent a note, saying how important it was that the group go on. That The Message they share was bigger than anything going on in their lives, and how nothing, even adversity or heartbreak, could or should stop it.

It made me think long and hard about how my own life seems to be taking shape, and how my faith, once so strong and true, seems to have wavered. Could I do this? Could I care more about others than myself, and speak the Word, no matter what was going on in my life? Can I truly call myself a Christian, if all I do is talk the talk, but be unwilling to walk the walk? I don't know. I honestly don't know. I do know that, as we stood in a circle, 50 something strong, my prayers were honest. Dear Lord, I need your help. I cannot do it alone, and I shouldn't do it alone. I know I feel a connection to You, but am I willing to show that in all aspects of my life? It isn't just about belief. It isn't just about being saved. It isn't even about religion. It is about making my faith in You so strong as to get this feeling that I have no choice but to shout it from the mountaintops. I have the answer! I know the way!

Can I do it? I tell others about turning over everything to Him. Everything. That whatever happens, good or bad, there is a reason, and we are not to question, even when the request shakes our very core. Pastor Walker once said something to the effect of: Do everything as if God were sitting beside you. You, who come here on Sunday and raise your hands to Him, and then go on with your lives as if he only commands one day from you. Would you do the things and say the things you do if God were one of your friends and there? Well, God IS one of your friends. God IS there. Just because no one else sees, does it make it okay when we don't always act as we should? If we had a new love in our life, the joy we get from wanting to be around them touches every little thing we do. Well, that is how it is supposed to be with Him. Dress and act and do as if our love for Him was new and joyous and the most important thing in our lives. A relationship with You is what I want, not just a casual conversation. I'm trying, but that nagging little voice in the back of my head says my trying isn't enough.

What is enough? Nothing is enough. Nothing ever can be enough. Dear Lord, I ask you to please help me through this. To please help me find the joy that I had. I know everything cannot be wonderful, and I'm not expecting that, but everything SHOULD be You. Help me make every breathing moment I have about You. Help me to not worry about what others around me think, especially when I am worshiping You. Help me to see through the ones who are the Sunday Christians. Help me to not be one. Help me find You again. I know You're there, waiting patiently on the sidelines. I know You as one I turn to, but I want to know You as a I would know a best friend, a new lover, a confident. I want everything to be about You, as it should. God, help me please. I feel as if I've drifted again, and I think constantly about how I miss You. Help me to cast out all doubt about what or why I am... I am because of You.

Help me.

Color Coordinated

I caught a pic the other day of Liz and my niece, who had come over during a school-out snow day. Liz was (and is) still down on the couch, healing from a back injury. I thought it was kind of cute how they both matched, in a mixed up sort of way. When you factor in the fruit juice bars and the pillows Liz is on, it looks like someone just threw down a bunch of Sorbet containers in my living room!

AAARRRGGGHHH!

Okay, I'm going nuts. Liz, my youngest is currently down (down, as in bed) with a fractured tail bone (ouch!) so that leaves her plenty of time to drive me crazy. Crazy with questions. "Because I said so" seems so old school, even though I am a firm believer in dictatorship where it applies to issues in my house.

The current bruhaha? Makeup. She wants to wear it. I want to keep her face freshly scrubbed. She doesn't have any (makeup), with the exception of lip gloss things (lots of those) but she wants some. Not happening. Nope. If I have to hear one more time how I let Sam wear makeup at her age (as if!) I'll scream. That seems to be the issue lately. I let Sam do things before she, Liz, can. They don't cover this stuff in the handbook.

Sam and Liz are 10.5 years apart. Big gap. Because of this gap, Liz was kind of brought up around older kids. Good kids with good morals, but older kids nonetheless. She was exposed to teen stuff early. Don't get me wrong... I didn't let HER go to the mall at 6 just because her 16 yro sister got to go, but you get my point. Sibling rivalry. I thought it would stop once Sam moved out to live on her own. I should have known better. I have three sisters.

Liz is 12 now. Twelve is too young to do a lot of things. Twelve is too young to go to the mall without Mom. Twelve is too young to go to the movies without an adult. Twelve is too young to wear makeup. Twelve is too young to die, which will happen if she keeps this pushing up.

I have given this considerable thought. Like I said, I could go the route "because I said so," but I think this issue of entitlement just because her older sister got to do things needs addressed on a more indepth level.

So... I am preparing myself. I am going to have *the talk today. Parents do not have to treat each child equally, or what the kids would call fairly. Children are not the same, so why should the same treatment apply to all? Each child is an individual, and each problem or issue should be addressed individually. What might have been fine for Sam at the ripe old age of 13 or 14 is not necessarily bad for Liz at the age of 12, and the reverse is true as well. What Sam got to do at 12 might not be in the best interest of Liz at her current age of 12. When deciding what applies to each incident, we as parents have to take into consideration the maturity level of the child we are dealing with, right? How the child handles certain things, and how the child might react, or feel, should count. I love my children very much, but if I'm honest with myself, I'll admit that things are tougher this second time around. However, today's popular parenting styles make me feel like I owe Liz some type of explanation, since she has asked me so seriously... why why why???

I look down this rough draft of my blog (where I think best) and see my entry about how to approach the "how come I can't...she did!" syndrome, and I realize that I have written as if addressing my old faculty buddies. Great. Talk right over her head Carye. Way to handle the issue. So....what to do?

"BECAUSE I SAID SO!!!" is looking pretty good.

Snow Day

We got an unexpected visitor today. Two inches of snow. Beautiful. Two inches doesn't seem like a lot, but that practically shuts down the entire city, as these mountain roads are deadly when there is any snow or ice to contend with. Schools closed down early, and will probably either start late or be closed tomorrow. Stores are filled with people who think this is the next three week blizzard, and that they will never see a loaf of bread again. So silly.

We are warm and cozy in our little home, watching the flakes fly by from the window. Soon they will be nothing but a pool of memories and the skies will turn blue, the air will breathe a hint of warmth, and things will be back to normal here. Until then, a little bit of winter magic seems awfully nice.