Liz and I went to The Cup last night to see a band called For Christ, and I was blown away. This band came up from Atlanta to sing and minister to us, even though their base player couldn't make it. His wife had just (that weekend) had a miscarriage, after trying for so many years, to have a child. Even though he couldn't make it, he sent a note, saying how important it was that the group go on. That The Message they share was bigger than anything going on in their lives, and how nothing, even adversity or heartbreak, could or should stop it.
It made me think long and hard about how my own life seems to be taking shape, and how my faith, once so strong and true, seems to have wavered. Could I do this? Could I care more about others than myself, and speak the Word, no matter what was going on in my life? Can I truly call myself a Christian, if all I do is talk the talk, but be unwilling to walk the walk? I don't know. I honestly don't know. I do know that, as we stood in a circle, 50 something strong, my prayers were honest. Dear Lord, I need your help. I cannot do it alone, and I shouldn't do it alone. I know I feel a connection to You, but am I willing to show that in all aspects of my life? It isn't just about belief. It isn't just about being saved. It isn't even about religion. It is about making my faith in You so strong as to get this feeling that I have no choice but to shout it from the mountaintops. I have the answer! I know the way!
Can I do it? I tell others about turning over everything to Him. Everything. That whatever happens, good or bad, there is a reason, and we are not to question, even when the request shakes our very core. Pastor Walker once said something to the effect of: Do everything as if God were sitting beside you. You, who come here on Sunday and raise your hands to Him, and then go on with your lives as if he only commands one day from you. Would you do the things and say the things you do if God were one of your friends and there? Well, God IS one of your friends. God IS there. Just because no one else sees, does it make it okay when we don't always act as we should? If we had a new love in our life, the joy we get from wanting to be around them touches every little thing we do. Well, that is how it is supposed to be with Him. Dress and act and do as if our love for Him was new and joyous and the most important thing in our lives. A relationship with You is what I want, not just a casual conversation. I'm trying, but that nagging little voice in the back of my head says my trying isn't enough.
What is enough? Nothing is enough. Nothing ever can be enough. Dear Lord, I ask you to please help me through this. To please help me find the joy that I had. I know everything cannot be wonderful, and I'm not expecting that, but everything SHOULD be You. Help me make every breathing moment I have about You. Help me to not worry about what others around me think, especially when I am worshiping You. Help me to see through the ones who are the Sunday Christians. Help me to not be one. Help me find You again. I know You're there, waiting patiently on the sidelines. I know You as one I turn to, but I want to know You as a I would know a best friend, a new lover, a confident. I want everything to be about You, as it should. God, help me please. I feel as if I've drifted again, and I think constantly about how I miss You. Help me to cast out all doubt about what or why I am... I am because of You.